* None of the gifts below are fantastic.
** Nor are they sexy.
Just in case you're stuck for that last minute gift for a friend, a loved one or even your partner, here are some wonderful ideas for that final stocking filler. It's a little late to order online now I guess, so you'll have to face the shameful ignomy and walk into real shops to buy them.
1 - The Strip Pen
For the pervert or pervette on the go. See nakedness whenever you wish! Get it out on the train and spend whole seconds enjoying this pen/gravity combination which is guarenteed to show you nudity whenever you want.
Pro's - On hand naked people
Con's - How are you meant to write anything with such hot action going on?!
2 - Wind-Up Jumping Joni Jumper
Apparently the wind up Jumping Joni Jumper is "...a perfect fun novelty gift, party gift or pet toy to have around the office." Clearly this is how women will actually look in 100 years time. Except what we will hold a frying pan or vacuum cleaner with?
Pro's - It's only £2.50. For tits AND a pussy. Wow.
Con's - Possibly will get you fired, if you take it to the office as suggested. I'm sure there's laws about that kind of thing. So keep it at home and marvel as it bounces around. Perhaps let the children play with and scar them for life...
3 - Edible Body Parts
Have you ever wanted to eat an actual breast or perhaps just the nipple? Do you dream of cannibalising your loved one's most tender parts? Well get yourself some of these and pretend you're Hannibal Lecter this Yuletide. There are also many penis shaped edibles available, but I didn't want to give any of you guys nightmares.
Pro's - What's not to like. Sweets that are sexy.
Con's - Calories. Tooth decay. Can't think of any others at all.
4 - Penis & Boobs Frying Pans
Who could resist one of these on their toast on Christmas day in the morning?
Pro's - Look, eggs in the shape of naughty bits, look father how terrible quaint it all is. Please buy me one, please...
Con's - Having to hide them when the vicar comes to tea.
5 - Weird Naked Lady Mug Thing
This one may not be immediately apparent. It's a mug, but when you fill it with hot water, her clothes vanish. It's like the pens earlier, but on a much grander scale, tho less useful on the train. Imagine if real women lost their clothes when full of hot liquid. More men would buy me a coffee that way if that were the case. Clearly this is another one meant for the office. Who could be offended with it?
Pro's - It holds drinks and shows a naked lady. Who needs anything else?
Con's - You can't see the nudity whilst drinking, so make sure you buy if for the guy who sits opposite you. Or get it for yourself and nip to the staff toilets to sip your beverage in front of the mirror.
6 - Stud Undies
Want to impress the ladies this year? Just buy some of these. Who'd not be impressed by a guy wearing this.
Pro's - They're only £2.
Con's - You'd waste £2.
7 - Orgy Tape
Having an orgy? Worried your kids will come down stairs to see what all the hollaring is about? Then start asking inconvenient questions, such as 'what're all those men doing to mummy?', well have no fear. Simply buy this orgy tape and put it across the top of the stairs to keep those little blighters where they belong, fearful and crying in their rooms.
Pro's - Very portable, why not carry it with you when you go out, just in case.
Con's - Easily altered to read Porgy in Progress, which might lead people to believe you're hosting a live showing of Porgy & Bess, the popular Gershwin musical. If you're not careful, your front room will soon fill up with cultured people asking who the conductor will be and where they can purchase a programme.
8 - Santa Dildos
Get St. Nick up your chimney this Christmas. I really hope that hat comes off the one on the right... I hope they go ho ho ho when they slip in
Pro's - Festive orgasms.
Con's - Another item I can't think of a single downside too. I know I'd love to receive one of these.
9 - Expanding Willy Sponge
I quote "the sight of this cheeky penis shaped sponge will put a smile on your face and make you feel at ease." Well a disembodied penis floating in my bath would certainly do it for me. Mmmm... sexy...
Pro's - Watch it expand whenever you like, unlike the real thing.
Con's - It might get crusty after use, just like the real thing.
10 - Inflatable Willy Costume
I don't have the words to do this justice. Simply sit back and marvel at it.
Pro's - You'll look like a giant cock.
Con's - You'll look like a giant cock.
Well that's all from me. No Scroogella today, I'm such a naughty little tease aren't I? Oh I'm so, SO