Chat Room Etiquette #1 - First Contact

 I've had a few people suggest that I write a chat room "guide", as it were, what to do, what not to do etc. So I'm gonna give it a try, though it will possibly (probably!) end up as a massive man-rant. Remember tho this is just my personal view and isn't gospel. Please bear in mind I do not go into these places to attract women, I just can tell you what *I* like! If any guy reading this wants to write a corresponding piece about the rubbish things women do whilst chatting, mail me.




EDIT:
DUE TO RECENT RETARDITY (see below) THIS IS A DISCLAIMER. THIS IS NOT A HATE FILLED DIATRIBE JUST A GENTLE PISS TAKE. IF IT OFFENDS YOU ASK WHY BEFORE JUST ATTACKING ME. TY




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• I've been thinking of nick names for a new chat site I found. 

Well that's great news, something amusing and imaginative I hope.

• Yes! It's between OohWhatABigOne or CamGuyNoLimits.

Are you for real? I'd think a bit harder if I were you. Remember, you are a book and your nickname is your cover.


You *will* be judged by your nick and it can be hard work to impress someone if you've a poor nick name. It sums up who you are and why you're on the chat-site in the first place, it gives an indication of your imagination and your style.


Bad nick names generally are crude nicknames such as the ones above. They all cry out desperation and self obsessiveness, they say you're the type of guy who'll be vanished from your bed (screen) 2 seconds after they've come. Any name which speaks about the size of your manhood is, basically, lame. The size of your cock does me no good on a pc screen, it doesn't show that you can talk erotically and make me excited with your words, with your mind.

• So putting the word 'cam' in my name won't make me a babe magnet?

No way! Most girls don't wanna see cams, some do I guess, but cocks are not pretty to look at and blurry fists even less so. More on this later.

• Well what if I'm tiny down there? Can I mention that?

Urgh, just as bad as the "big boys" are the guys who want to tell you about how *small* they are down there. Either way guys, the size of your cock matters little to me in a chat room and if your name implies you're going to talk about yourself at length (as it were...) then I'll probably not reply to even the nicest message. It's a cruel world and ratios in chat rooms are *always* in a girls favour.  I care nothing for your penis - only your mind. (Insert your own thinking with your cock joke here).

• So what *will* work?!

The nick names I respond to best, tho there are exceptions, are ones which have some wit or subtly about them. Literary references always catch my eye as do surreal or downright strange names. Even just your real name is better than some crude nick. Guys with overtly sexual names scream desperation, and yes I know its different for girls, the sexier the name the more popular she is!

• Now it's asking me to put up a photo... help!

Yup, lots of sex chat sites now are more like social networking sites, where you can make a profile and put in a picture or two to show what a hot bitch or massive stud you are. *sigh*

• I bet you'd like to see my cock up there, that'd make you wet right?

Make me heave more likely. Nearly every message or mail I get comes with its very own picture of a penis. Some hard, some soft, some hairy, some shaven, some in panties, some in briefs. Some even in mouths or vaginas. Some in jars of mayo... now that's just wrong. And some are just strange, like a half decaying slug from the bottom of the garden... some of these pictures might entertain me greatly, but not how you think they will....


Don't get me wrong I love cocks. I adore their touch, their taste, the way they throb, the slickness of the head, the firmness of the shaft and I adore the skin of a guy's balls. I wrote a lil poem to best explain it:

Cocks are great to grab on,

Cocks are great to suck on,

But one thing that cocks are not,

Is that great to look on.

They're not that pretty guys, one in maybe 50 is worth a gander, maybe not even that. I can understand why you don't wanna put your faces up there, but that doesn't mean I wanna see your body, especially if it's gross. This goes for watching cams too. Chatrooms = fantasy. Let me imagine you. PLEASE!

• Well I don't wanna show my face, you don't wanna see my cock... how about I just steal a picture off the internet of a studmuffin?

You're kinda slow aren't you? We know when you do this guys. We can tell a false picture. *Easily*. The lighting, the pose, the sheer quality of the picture proclaims that it's not you and it's some porno star or a male model. Also, what's a major muffin like "you" doing in a place like this?! If do this and get called on it, just admit it, because frankly it's better to cut your losses with a rueful grin than end up looking like a fool who's that divorced from reality.


Also if you encounter the girl of your dreams there and you arrange a real life date, what will she think when she expects the love child of Brad Pitt & George Clooney, and you turn up looking more like the bastard offspring of Jabba the Hutt and that guy from town who drinks white spirits for breakfast?

• So what *do* I do for an image?!

Again, I'd go for someone who has a stupid/cute picture, or even just a normal picture which I'd have no problems showing to my mother. She's quite the prude you know... If you wanna remain secretive, then that's utterly cool, just leave it blank or find a funny image. No porn tho, that's just silly. Like your nick, find an image which speaks for you, something you're into or that you find amusing. I wanna *smile* when i see a profile pic for a guy, not be put off my food.

• Maybe this is just your opinion, my cock's *so* great, you must be a lesbian.

Nope, didn't you see the poem?! Nearly every woman I've heard on this subject agrees with this view. So take note and get that cock out of my face!

• Now I have to fill in a profile?! I'm too lazy...

Don't dismiss this bit, this is the key area. Instead of fiddling with your penis and your Kodak, spend the time on a profile instead.  I know it can be annoying, I've always hated them. A lot. It's like standing up in class and declaring that you like trainspotting and Marmite. Actually I adore Marmite...

But here for the first time, I appreciate some indication about a guys sexual preferences and interests, it enables me to decide if we've enough in common to bother talking/playing. But some nonsexual info is also greatly appreciated, just to show that you're a well rounded person and don't spend 24/7 with your hand in your y-fronts.

• So I should tell you everything?

No, I don't want a life history, but if you're shy and find it hard to talk, then put something on there which will help me start up a conversation. Whether it be that you like bdsm or that you write poetry, spent a year underwater living with an octopus or even just that you're a builder. Just *something*.

• Nah I'm just gonna leave the whole thing blank... way too lazy.

Blank profiles = lack of imagination/confidence = lack of my interest. Again the site ratio will favour me, due to my ownership of boobs and a vagina.

• I've always fancied being a lesbian even tho I'm a dude. Can I do that?

Well, there are at least a few "girls" in every chat room who have willies, so you won't be alone. You'll probably find that the only other 'girls' who'll talk to you will be dudes as well, which is kinda karmic maybe. Usually I can spot a male 'girl' within 20 seconds of chatting, but if that floats your boat, then its cool with me, but like false pics, if I call you on it, then be man enough to admit you're not a woman. Then we can talk.

• Ok I've spent actual *minutes* making my profile, I'm logged in. Now what?

Well now you talk to someone.  Either talk in a main room with everyone, or if the room allows uninvited personal messages, then start looking around for someone who looks interesting.

• But what do I say then?!

You really never went to a special school? Hmm... 


Fine. Here are some quick and easy rules regarding first contact. 

1. If I have a profile then READ it before you bother me. You might be too old/young for me. I might be lesbian, I may be only there to chat and not to play. You may be my dad. I might be yours!
2. Make sure I actually have a picture up before you tell me I have nice breasts/face/ass.
3. If I do have a picture up then I've been told about my hotness/sexiness/nudity a million times.
4. If I have no images up in a place where its possible to do so, then don't ask that I send you some within 4 nanoseconds. Go google boobies. Then go google "women are people too"
5. Do not mention the words cam, phone or meet.
6. I can tell if you're copying and pasting the same opening line to every woman in there.
7. If I have a name with something like "naughty" in it, then do not ask how naughty I am etc. Every nick has an obvious opening line for the guy. We've heard them *all* before.
8. Do not tell me you're coming up behind me. Why do so many guys start with this? If you came up behind me irl, then you're gonna get a heel in your foot. Foot if you're lucky.
9. Do not send me your messenger address. EVER. I forward them to gay forums.
10. Use at least vaguely correct English. "hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii" or "hru" are both just lame. I don't speak 'wasssssssup' nor do I speak lazy.

• They all seem sensible enough rules. Do many people do all those things then?

Just 90% of guys.

• I'm just gonna say "hi", if she's interested in me, she'll reply.

You're really not comprehending the concepts I'm attempting to get across are you? You're main aim is to not look too dull/obsessive/pervy/insane. Just saying 'hi' and leaving it at that falls firmly into the dull category. So many guys just say hi or hello or hey, then nothing. It makes me suspect that you're gonna be hard work to talk to.

• Wow, with all this no wonder you seemed pissy when I messaged you.

Yup.

• So what *is* a good opening line? 

Well, I respond very favourably to something along the lines of "hey how are you, my name's Adam, I liked your profile especially the bit about your blog, I'm into BDSM. Are you free to chat or play?"

• I said exactly that, even though I'm called Dominic and I'm into feet! Now she's not replying!!

Do remember the ratio guys. Girls are usually flooded with messages, mostly from real jerks, if we do not reply its not that you're inept or ugly or dull, its that we're most likely to busy to field all of you. 

• But she ignored me, hurting my poor lil ego. I want revenge! Grr!

If a girl says busy or ignores you, do *NOT* tell her that she's ugly, that she deserves to catch AIDS and die, and so on, as this may cause offence and, sometimes, tears. This happens more than you'd think. 


Remember when you talk to a chick in a chatroom she's had to probably deal with all of the bad examples I've mentioned above, so if she seems a bit fed up with messages, don't blame her, blame the other guys in there.

We're people just like you. Admittedly we're smarter, nicer, more open and hotter people. But people all the same... we go to chat, sometimes to play, we don't go to chat sites to be insulted, degraded or abused. 'cept in the good way... once you have permission...

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Next week - Guide to Roleplaying!

Red.