For part one, click here
For part two, click here
An XXXmas Carol
By Putya Dicksin.
"A porn star?!" Exclaimed Scroogella
"A porn star?!" Exclaimed Scroogella
"Yuh-huh honey," replied the false fairy before her, "I'm gonna show ya how someone you know quite well will be spending this Christmas. "Let's go and see him now, whadda ya say?"
Scroogella shrugged, she'd already seen more than enough sexual deviance for a lifetime, let alone a single day. Especially a day as precious and spiritual as Christmas. Also something else was bothering her about her new guide. Other than her badly dyed blonde hair, almost entirely visible bust, bright red lipstick and heels you could use to roast a whole oxen on. Some would have used the word vivacious. If they knew what it meant. Scroogella knew, but decided the words trashy whore fit this woman better. She did however seem a lot more animated than either Marley or Mr Herms had been.
"Excuse me," Scroogella said most politely. "But I have to know. Are you dead?"
The fairy clad actress rolled her eyes so dramatically she'd have won an award had she performed such a gesture on a daytime soap opera.
"No hon, I'm still kickin' and breathin' back home. I just did an eightball my boyfriend-slash-manager got me for Christmas so my consciousness is all over the place. I gotta tells ya, this is the weirdest trip I ever been on. There I was, just floatin' around and some weird naked guy with a plastic tube on his junk comes up to me. He tells me, if ya believe it, that if I do this favour for him, he'll see to it I win the Golden Tit award this year for outstanding contribution to pornographic art. So I say sure mister, why the hell not. He also told me if I didn't he'd not stop me OD-ing right there and then. That's hell of a stick to go with a mighty fine carrot. It's an easy choice right? I'm Pandora by the way. Pandora Box. That's my nom-de-porn You like the name? Clifford chose it for me. He's my boyfriend. Boyfriend-slash-manager. He don't slash me tho. Not too much unless he's been on the hooch. He's a cutie, mostly. So whadda say, you wanna go check out this dude I gotta shows ya?"
Scroogella nodded, too dumbfounded by this incessant flow of information spewing towards her. She was willing to agree to anything that might stop this irritating woman talking for even a minute.
"Yes, I'd ready. Let's go."
"Wait a sec hon, lemme grab my wand. I gots to use the wand. It's all part of the thing, y'know, the magical spells."
With that Pandora Box reached down to her crotch, and to Scroogella's mortified gaze twitched aside the gusset of her costume. Scroogella couldn't look away as the woman slid out six inches of solid plastic. Did everyone have a sex toy with them nowadays Scroogella wondered as Pandora waved the wand around randomly in front of their faces.
"It's my love wand hon, every girl's best friend. Am I right? Yeah, I'm right. Well, except yours if what I heard is true. You need to lighten up sister. Get yourself one of these bad boys." With that she gave one last brisk flick of her wrist and showered Scroogella with a fine mist of moisture.
"Sorry about that hon, I get kind soupy sometimes, just wipe it off."
Around them the blackness was retreating, leaving them in what was soon identifiable as someone's front room. Someone male's front room. Someone both male and single's front room. The floor was littered with takeaway boxes, beer cans and magazines with subject matters such as computing, cars, football and gynaecology. The TV was one in the corner of the room. It was a 40 inch HD flat screen.
"Oooh I want one of them," Pandora cried on seeing it. "Clifford he said he was gonna get us one if I got my royalties from Aladdin. We got an old tube one right now, we'd free up so much extra space in our studio apartment if we got one of them flat screens. It'd give us the space for a new pet. Clifford broke the last one. He -"
Scroogella cut in before any further detail was supplied.
"Where are we?
"Well we sure ain't in Kansas any more, right?" Pandora nudged Scroogella companionably in the ribs, pleased as punch with herself for this bon mot.
"I was in Woking before. I'm not sure where you were," Scroogella sniffed haughtily, then adding in an undertone "possibly one of the circles of hell."
"I dunno where we are Scroogella, this thing" she brandished the 'wand', "was preprogrammed by that strange guy. I think it works on that GSP, which kinda makes sense, cos it always to knows where I want it to go." She leered horribly and gestured it at her crotch.
"It's someone's flat clearly, someone male, in their 20s and terribly untidy." Scroogella declared, ignoring Pandora's leering. Then she spotted a particularly vile jacket thrown over one of the chairs. "Oh no!" She exclaimed.
"What is it hon?"
"It can't be, it must be a coincidence, oh no. It is. It is. You've brought me to Dan's place?"
"Who's Dan, sugar?" Asked Pandora
"A molester of the highest order. A pervert and a deviant. Also my ex-boyfriend."
"Oh, I like him already! Whaddy do to you then?"
Scroogella blushed a mighty shade of red as she admitted what heinous act this Dan had committed to have her think so low of him.
"On our first date, he asked me to give him a blow job in a bar we were at. Right there at the table."
"Oh that's nothing hon, one time Clifford got me to suck off three guys for our cab fare home." Pandora paused, a realisation growing in her eyes. "Which was weird, cos we only lived two blocks from the bar we were at."
"Never mind that now!" Scroogella cried. "Take me out of here."
"Can't do it hon, we gotta see it through. The wand'll take us both back when we've seen what we gotta see. Them's the rules. You can do it sugar-pie."
"And stop calling me sugar based names! I'm on a diet!"
Scroogella was quite quite upset at finding herself in what she considered to be a den of the lowest inequity, her composure was unravelling quicker than spaghetti falling from a fork.
"It's ok Scroogella," Pandora said, "he won't be able to see us. I thought you'd done this kinda thing before."
Scroogella barely felt at ease, but her panic subsided somewhat. Of course he wouldn't be able to see them. Jenny hadn't seen them as Mr Herms had shown her the cause of all those odd stains in the study rooms.
She took a deep breath and settled herself to accept whatever was to come.
"So you don't know why we're here then? What I'm supposed to see?" Scroogella inquired of her guide.
"No idea, treacle." Pandora admitted, slipping back into her saccharine based nomenclature. "I guess we're seeing how your ex is spending his Christmas this year. This is Christmas day FYI. Tomorrow, as it will be. That much I do know."
"Well just as long as it involves nothing purchased on the internet and made in China, I'll be happy," said Scroogella, thinking guiltily of Marley's bizarre end. And also of his strange death.
"I guess this is how your ex lives now he don't got you any more. What a mess. All men are pigs. Except Clifford. He's my big teddy bear." Said Pandora.
"I've known that men were pigs since I was about 8." Scroogella replied tartly.
Then, for reasons of literary expediency, Dan entered the room, allowing the author to stop having to think in a New York accent for five minutes, which she was very grateful for and so made him 25% more handsome than the original plot outline had said he was.
Dan strode in terribly handsome with thick wild hair and long eyelashes. His jaw was square. Which made eating somewhat problematic, but he'd been referred to a specialist about it.
He looked around his messy room, pausing a second to admire himself in a conveniently placed mirror. I really am more handsome than I remembered, he thought to himself, before wondering how eyelashes could grow quite so much in the time it had taken him to have his morning poo.
It's probably just some literary thanks he decided before sitting down and grabbing the TV remote. Then the satellite remote, then the speakers remote and the DVD player remote. Finally he grabbed the remote control for the cable box. He laid them all out on his chair. Then he laid them all out on his sofa where there was much more room.
Sometimes, he decided, it's just easier to get up and walk the three foot distance to the TV cabinet. But as it was Christmas he used the remote controls as a treat, firmly telling himself he would give them up for his New Year resolution. If not at New Year, then at Lent for sure. He'd get much more exercise if he did that. Though weirdly, since he'd emptied his bowels and come back in to the lounge he felt 50 pounds lighter and much more muscled. That was one hell of a movement he thought.
Casting such scatological musings aside, Dan pressed buttons on various remotes in various combinations whilst in the corner of the room Pandora needlessly whispered to Scroogella.
"I thought you said he was ugly? He's a sweetheart."
"I never mentioned it," replied Scroogella distractedly.
"Oh I had an idea someone told me he was kinda a mutton face."
"Not me. He has got better looking somehow though."
"Weird. That jaw's a bit of a problem though. Maybe I oughta look him up sometime."
Meanwhile Dan had finally discovered the right sequence of buttons to get him DVD to play. He'd been looking forwards to this all week. It was his Christmas present to himself. What more could a man need on such a day?
As the screen lit up with the title sequence Pandora squealed loudly right into Scroogella's ear.
Oh this is a good one. I was in this one."
On the TV were the words Peter Pan-sexual.
"This was my very first movie. I was cast as Suckaball, the fairy. It's very artistic. Props and dialogue and everything. One of the pirates in it had even starred in an infomercial." Pandora stared at the screen with rapt attention. Scroogella tried once more to cast her eyes in any other direction than at Dan and the TV. He'd opened his bathrobe and was bringing his penis to full hardness in preparation for the forthcoming action. But, just like before, every time she looked away, she ended up staring right at that which she wished to see the least.
Scroogella resigned herself to observing more filth as Pandora recited a highlights list of her filmography.
“I always seem to play the fairy or such some. I'm very popular with this one company who specialise in parodies. I'm been in Alladin My Ass, Sleeping Cutie, Sinderella, The Loin King, The Lion Kink, Prick-noccio and Cumbo. That was just in the first couple of weeks. I love Disney, don't you? Then there was Fart-asia, The Artisto-Twats, Mary Pop Outs, Poke Her-ontis, Beauty And The Beast, though I'm not proud of that one. The Incrediballs, Toy Story, Toy Story 2: Woody's Revenge, Toy Story Three: Buzz To The Rescue, uhm . . . oh and Bambini.”
Finally she settled back with Scroogella to watch the film that was playing. The opening shot was of a cuddly toy parrot leaning against a length of wood, which was presumably meant to be a mast of a pirate ship. As the camera drew back three men dressed as pirates were revealed. The foremost of them had one sleeve rolled down further than the other with an 8 inch plastic cock sticking out where his hand should be. He also had one leg bent at the knee, supported on that side by a giant phallus which reached to the floor.
"He's playing Cock, the captain of the pirates." Pandora helpfully supplied. "I'll be on screen in a moment. I did this one so long ago, wow."
As predicted Pandora came into shot in the same costume she was wearing this very night. She was accompanied by two other ladies dressed similarly. As some painful dialogue started to happen Scroogella turned to Pandora.
"You don't look any different. How long ago was this?"
"Well," said Pandora, "this was my début and I just finished up my five hundredth and forty-second film. So maybe, I don't know, about a year ago? Maybe fourteen months."
"Clifford says I need all the exposure I can get. Like last week he lied to get me an audition. He heard directors like girls who lie about their ages. So he told this one director I was forty-seven. I'm not sure it helped . . ." Pandora trailed off thoughtfully.
"You've really made over five hundred porn films in a year?" Scroogella asked, impressed at the girl's work ethic, if not her chosen profession.
"Yuh-huh. Sometimes I'll only be like second ass, not a big part like this one. Or I'll be an extra. But usually I get to get laid in them.
"So you've been with lots of men?"
"Oh yeah, well over a thousand." Pandora admittedly cheerfully. "I just love it. That's how I ended up in pornographic pictures. I was fucking four or five guys a week anyway, so I figured what the hell. And I love the idea of this kinda thing." She nodded at Dan's now rapid wrist movements.
"So Clifford didn't talk you into doing it?" Scroogella persisted.
"Oh no, apple strudel, I was eighteen and twenty-eight days old when I did my first picture. I couldn't wait until I was legal. What's not to love. Money, sex, sex and sex. Knowing guys are gettin' excited by you. You get to try anythin' and everythin' in this business. It's wonderful."
"Hmpf," declared Scroogella, for once glad to focus on a carnal scene.
On the TV another man had emerged, this one slighter of figure than the others, with a pretty face and a swimmer's toned body. All he wore was a green hat with a feather on it, matching thong and knee high calf skin boots.
The thong bulged obscenely. Scroogella blushed. Next to her Pandora fidgeted restless.
"Oh it's no use," she declared, "I can't enjoy my own work. I end up thinking about the process too much. I'm very method."
"I can only imagine." Scroogella said distantly as the on-screen hero of the piece bent over to accept the Captain's 'hook'.
Pandora, bored, started to wander around the flat. She headed to a large bookcase, running her finger along the spines.
"He sure has a lot of clever lookin' books."
"Mhm, he went through a pretentious phase a while ago. Most of them probably haven't ever been read."
Back on the TV the two other pirates were having what they termed a sword fight. Only they'd forgotten their swords it appeared and were making do with whatever came to hand.
The fairies came to Peter's rescue. Scroogella stared horrified as the on-screen Pandora declared she had a magic potion to help the her. She proceeded to squat over his open mouth and urinate straight into it. He swallowed two huge mouthfuls of foaming 'potion', before taking the fight to the Captain, over powering him and pulling off his leg.
Scroogella was feeling most ill having watched the pixelated Pandora do what she'd done. The real Pandora had began flicking through a randomly selected book.
"Hey, this one's not that clever, it's all about Superman. He's just a comic book story."
"That's Nietzsche," corrected Scroogella without turning. "He's Zarathustra's gift to a mankind who're not aware of the problem to which the superman is the solution." She continued without having to resort to Wikipedia like some people would.
"Hmm." Pandora considered this a moment whilst on screen the fairies were imbuing each other with the powers from their potions. Then, to make it a fair fight they let the pirates have some too. Towards the end of the scene where all the pirates gave the fairies their own special sauce, the temporarily-forgotten but now even more handsome Dan came with a moan. The name he called out as his cum splatted was Scroogella's.
"Oh my." Scroogella exclaimed softly to herself somewhat sadly. Which given the circumstances was a fairly strange yet emotionally powerful reaction.
Unfortunately this was cut right across by the broad nasal tones of the nasal broad behind her. "Oh I get it, it's all about the death of God being followed by a twilight of piety and nihilism. So then the superman is created in order to restore a coherent sense of objective truth."
Scroogella turned away from the cum ridden rug and rolling credits to face Pandora squarely, the spell keeping her vision in place broken with Brad-Pitt-Look-a-Like Dan's orgasm.
"What? How did you work that out? Are those the study notes?"
"Oh, I'm pretty smart with this kinda stuff, I coulda been a philosophy major I got told by one tutor. It's easy. If God as a conceptual conceit fades from human consciousness then it eventually leads to the loss of any universal perspective on things. What's so difficult about that, hon? Dontcha worry about me. I've a 185 IQ or some such."
Scroogella stared open mouthed.
"What the heck are you doing in porn then? You're wasting yourself."
"Hon, I got my entire life to read books. I'm young, I have great tits, tho not as good as your I'm thinkin'. I love to fuck. Men, women. Plastic objects, you name it I'll try it. My parents wanted me to go to university, gave me a trust fund and everything. But who needs that at my age. I'll fuck until I'm too old to look hot on high def, then I'll get my doctorate, have a few kids and maybe teach or something. I got it all worked out. This whole thing right now, well it's just about the fun. Even Clifford's kinda fun with how he thinks he's always getting one over on me. I don't usually let on how smart I really be. Most people don't like a girl this smart with these," without missing a beat she flashed Scroogella her large breasts. "You're the first person who I've told in ages, it's not like you're gonna squeal on me, are ya treacle."
"Did you go a bit cockney there at the end?"
"OK then," said Scroogella, by now so full of thoughts and revelations she wished the whole world would just dissolve. Which handily enough, it did.
Desperate, yet dishy Dan faded from sight still wiping his cum stuck foreskin with a tissue. The crusty rug and the TV went next, followed by the walls and bookcases. Pandora alone remained, still holding her purloined copy of Thus Spoke Zarathustra.
You stole it?
"It's a shame to leave books unread."
"Fair point. What with the sudden improvement in his looks I'm sure he won't need to impress girls with his bookcase. Now." Scroogella took a deep breathe. "What with all your yammering, I failed to really grasp the salient point of that particular Christmas life lesson. You're hardly the Royal Institution when it comes to getting your festive point across Pandora."
"Call me Jane. It's my really name. Jane Smelly."
"Ah, suddenly Pandora Box is looking much better as a moniker." Scroogella said supportively.
"I know. Though weirdly I was always just called plain Jane at school."
"Were you an ugly duckling?"
"No, plane, as in fly, cos my legs were open so often they might as well have been wings."
"Jane, you're a deeply complex person with a strange life."
"That's what my Mothers both say."
Scroogella chose wisely to ignore this final comment.
"So let's take a seat. Do you want some ice cream? What flavour" asked Pandora
"Vanilla please," said Scroogella.
Pandora waved her fingers and one eyebrow for a second then sneezed twice. This caused two small pots of low fat ice cream to appear on a table which Scroogella had not been aware was there only moments previously.
"I'm getting the hang of this spirit guide thing now I think. It's all about how I interact physically with this dimension, a wave of a hand, a twitch of a toe, even that sneeze there was part of making this ice cream appear." Pandora Explained, sitting on a newly created chair with her tub. She tasted it, made a face and stared at the low fat label before sighing.
"Oh it is Christmas, we deserve a treat," Pandora said in lieu of a real excuse and broke wind loudly, causing the low fat on the label to vanish and after that the ice cream tasted much, much better.
They both tucked in eagerly as Pandora Box née Jane Smelly explained what she was sent to show Scroogella.
"It's easy you see. There's Dan... mmmm... Dan... anyway there's Dan, all sexless at Christmas, wishing he could do all those disgusting things with you, as a celebration of your youthful vitality and lust for life. Instead he's sat there with a rug that needs incinerating and a sever case of RSI in his right wrist. Think how Christmas morning might have been had you and he stayed together. Furthermore my delectable little honey and pecan éclaire, as I was chosen for your guide on this revelatory journey, the lesson is clearly two fold. What do you think my presence here is down to?"
"Honey that was a deliberate diversionary tactic to shift you onto the back foot when we first met, suspecting as I did, anyone who wore those pjs to bed on Christmas eve would be horrified at the merest tangential notion of any slight narcotic misdemeanour."
Pandora ate a scoop of her ice cream with relish. Then she removed the relish as its flavour somewhat clashed with her Strawberry 'n' Semen dessert.
"Well?" She prodded Scroogella.
"I'm thinking. And stop prodding me with that spoon. It's got relish all over it. It's on my pj's now. That'll stain. Hmpf."
"Why am I here?"
"To create extra laundry?" Scroogella snapped, but Pandora wasn't to be deterred.
"And also?" Scroogella thought for a moment more then slowly expounded her theories.
"It's because you are smart. Smarter than me, maybe?"
"Mhm . . . go on."
"And you're sexy, and you love the sexy part of you."
"And you're in control of the sexual side of you? And you use it to your advantage. Not in a bad way, but in the kind of way that a tall man doesn't need a ladder to reach the top shelf."
"Tall men do find buying porn easier," conceded Pandora.
"So you're telling me, showing me, by example that I can be sexy and smart, tho possibly not always at the same time, unless I want to scare men off. But it doesn't have to be a straight choice for life."
"Straight, bi, omni, even pan, whatever choice you want my lil walnut whip."
"So I can be sexual without being labelled a complete and utter whore. The label only matters if I choose to accept it. You are one of the biggest sluts I've ever seen, I've just seen a film where you let four men urinate into your mouth as two girls use prosthetics to perform unholy acts on your body, all before a man puts his penis inside a toy parrot and yet I still respect you as you've shown brains, compassion and humour. I'd almost go so far as to say we would be friends. If you weren't American."
"Why thank you Scroogella. And good reasoning. I'm giving you an A+ for this lesson."
"I'm being graded? I didn't study!" Scroogella cried horrified.
"Nah, not really, I just didn't like that anti-American display of xenophobia. All forms of racism are inherently wrong."
"Dotcha worry bout it, Limey."
They sat there in the black, finishing their ice creams. Finally just before she was ready to leave, Pandora asked Scroogella a question. Scroogella blushed and replied "a little."
"Only a little?"
"Well, maybe more than that."
"Hmm, well it's a start. I hope you don't stop looking for things that turn you on though."
"We'll see." Scroogella replied evenly.
"And if you ever want a job in porn, get in touch sometime, ok? Tweet me bi-atch. I'd love to get my fists into you."
With that the helpful fairy guide vanished.
"Well really. Whatever next!" Exclaimed Scroogella, standing all alone in the void.
She crossly turned away from where her new friend had just vanished and walked straight into a naked David Beckham.
To be continued...